P90-X - Is This A Result of the Fall?

So with only a matter of weeks to go until I finish my challenge (according to the calendar) and a number of pounds to go before I finish my challenge (according to the scales) I decided that I would follow in the immortal words of that famous tubby chef and kick it up a notch. My workouts have been going well, but it felt more like a maintenance program than a continued weight loss effort so it was time to go for broke (although not literally).

I recently borrowed a copy of the DVD based home exercise program P90-X and decided that today was the day to begin this final phase. For those who have not heard of P90-X it is supposed to be that perfect exercise program that gives you that perfect beach body by the end of the 90 days of the program - if you believe the hype and PR machine behind the program. For those of you who have done it I really think that you will understand the feeling behind the first question that went through my head as I was doing yet another set of push-ups as per the first DVD.

That question of course was simple and to the point, "Oh dear Lord, what have I done??"

Through the wonders of social media I had announced to the world that today was the day that I would be starting this program, not really knowing everything about the program. So, the world knew, and some even asked me this morning in church how the first session went. Well, my intention of starting early this morning was foiled by my sweet 4 year old having a restless night and keeping the rest of us awake for a large part of the early hours.  My plan altered such that I went to the gym tonight armed with my list of exercises and the determination that this was going to help take me to my personal finish line.

P90-X uses pull-up bars and dumb bells to provide resistance for some of the exercises and I had neither at home, nor did I really want to sweat all over my living room carpet for the next 90 days. So off to the gym I went to do P90-X without the smarmy announcer dude showing me what a wimp I am.

I did a quick run on the treadmill to warm up and then began the madness. Push-ups, pull-ups, exotic exercises like 'heavy pants' and lawnmowers and 40 minutes of sweat later I was left laying on the floor of the gym pretty much unable to lift my arms in any direction. Who thought of this stuff? I began to think of things that the P90-X stood for. Things like:

Praying 90 times for the rapture
Person yelling 90 eXpletives
Pain 90 times worse than you have ever felt
Paying 90 times more than the outcomes are worth

On the DVD the first workout takes approximately 1 hour (including warm-up and cool down time) and my first work out only lasted about 50 minutes. The reason for the time discrepancy was my inability to actually do as many reps as they do on the DVD. I will admit that my body has undergone significant change over the past 7 months, but pull-ups, seriously? Were we even designed to be able to do those? But, like the DVD says, you do your best and I reckoned that the lack of strength to actually move my limbs was a good indication that I had certainly done that. The 600+ calories that I had burned and the 40 minutes that my HR was in the zone were also encouraging to me. Even if I cant do a pull-up - YET!

As if this bodily onslaught was not enough for the first session I was then supposed to complete a short series of 11 exercises designed to work the abdominal region in what was called AbRipper X. Are you serious? I barely have enough strength to lift the page of exercises I had printed out and now I am supposed to do abdominal exercises? Aye carumba! Well, if this is what the program calls for then this is what the Fat Man will do.

I started the first two exercises, they went pretty well, painfully, but well and then we came to exercise number 3. Something called a 'Crunchy Frog'. This required me trying to balance on my butt, keep my feet in the air and move them in and out all while synchronizing wrapping my arms around my legs when in the full tuck position. Yeah right! That was just not going to happen. Aside from the recurring back issue that I have had, my abdominal muscles had seen what my back and shoulders had gone through and had taken refuge hiding beneath the soles of my feet. They were nowhere to be seen.

If I want that beach body (which I dont really, but I do have some pounds to lose) then I needed to modify the program and use the gym to my advantage for this one. So I headed up to the abs section of the gym and punished my disobedient stomach muscles for deserting the cause in my time of need. The end came and my sweaty mass slowly made its way to the locker room to pass out quietly in a corner somewhere and wait for the end of time.

There is a reason this is a HOME exercise program - at home you at least might have someone who can help you get your t-shirt off after you finish your workout. I got one arm above my head, tried to raise the second arm but realized that it was still attached to a dumb bell somewhere and of no help whatsoever. So there I stood, t-shirt half off, face pressed against sweat soaked cotton trying to muster enough strength to break free from my clothing. I could only imagine how I will feel in the morning. I think I should move the Advil to a place of prominence beside my bed. Trying to get my clean t-shirt on after my shower was even more entertaining as by this point, neither arm was willing to elevate above 90 degrees.

Eventually I managed to get dressed and left the gym, telling two guys who were on their way in that "It is too late for me, but you guys still have time to run away!" The verse, 'resist the devil and he will flee ...' came to mind, but I didnt use it. My problems worsened somewhat as I opened my truck and realized that I had driven the STICK SHIFT VEHICLE - stoopid, stoopid Jason! I found out tonight how much my truck will actually travel in 3rd gear, and it will even start from a dead stop in 3rd gear - sweet!

So here I sit, like a T-Rex, unable to lift my arms and wondering how I will change for bed, and if I am honest somewhat in fear of the Plyometrics session that awaits me in the morning. I watched it tonight and decided that I will do that one at home. It is one thing to prance around when you are following an exercise routine on TV, or even in person, but when you are the only one in the gym prancing around the room doing all sorts of weird contortions then you get the 'weird guy at the gym' tag.

So, until tomorrow morning when I destroy my legs with Plyometrics, I bid you adieu.

PS - Jesus, if you would like to return tonight to save me from what the morning will bring, I am ok with that.